'Ted' bears all about stardom, Oscars
05:00 AM, Dec 27, 2012
He came from out of nowhere and left fur stuffing everywhere. Ted, the lewd teddy bear dreamed up by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane who starred opposite Mark Wahlberg in the self-titled, R-rated summer comedy, would do $219 million in box office, becoming the sleeper hit of the year. Ted (as scripted by MacFarlane and pals Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild) reflects on his ascension.
Q: Ted, congratulations on being USA TODAY’s comedian of the year. This must change everything. What did you first think about a movie being done on your life?
A: Well first of all, thank you very much for the honor! I love USA TODAY. It’s the only newspaper I can comprehend when I’m stoned. Now to your question: It was a little weird that they did a movie about my life and not a series of books by David McCullough. After all, my life is best appreciated when put into its proper historical-political context.
Q: What’s Mark Wahlberg like to work with?
A:: Sexy, and I mean that in the straightest way possible.
Q: What’s the key to good comedy?
A: A slippery banana peel and a proud fat guy.
Q: How has your life changed since Ted was a hit? Do you see future movies?
A: Yeah, since the movie came out, I get mobbed in public all the time. I wear a baseball cap and sunglasses, but somehow everyone still knows it’s me. And yes, I do see future movies. I recently took my time machine to 2035 where I saw a future movie called 2089 about the end of the world, so then I took my time machine to 2099 to see what happened, and the earth was just fine, but there was a movie called 2137 about the end of the world, so I had to go to 2138 … and this went on for some time.
Q: How would you describe your acting style?
A: An ostentatious display of restraint.
Q: Anyone special in your life?
A: Yes, her name is Brazzers.
Q: Where did you pick up such salty language?
A: When I was little, I accidentally stepped on Bill O’Reilly’s toe in an airport. I learned all I needed to in the next eight minutes.
Q: Were you disappointed you weren’t asked to host the Oscars? What do you think of MacFarlane being the host?
A: I feel like Kim Jung-eun would have been a more popular choice to host the Oscars.
Q: There was a lot of drug use in Ted. Do you have a problem with addiction?
A: Let’s just say I’m always expecting to be led into a crappy hotel room with Jeff VanVonderen or Candy Finnigan (of the A&E show, Intervention).
Q: What actors animal, human or otherwise do you admire?
A: Martin Short makes me laugh until I’m crying. Check out “I, Martin Short, Goes Hollywood” if you can find it. Ridiculous!
Q: What’s next for you?
A: 24 hours of video games in a diaper.